On My Own

We have all heard that we either are or at least overwhelmingly influenced by the closest five people that we usually spend most of our time with.

That would presumably be our five closest friends, give or take a partner or perhaps a parent even.

But what about those of us who have don’t have five close people anymore. Actually, what about those for whatever reason, have none. No one. That is the place i have put myself in. Intentionally? I cannot say for sure.

People like me. 

I’m sure there is a lot of lonely people out there. None lonelier than those going through a separation or divorce. Worse, those that aren’t but still in the toxic relationship that is making their life a living hell.

When people are having a hard time on Valentine’s Day, I’m not inclined to tell them to harden up as I usually would in days gone by because breaking on the inside feels so much worse than breaking on the outside.

I learned the hard way that’s not something you can know until you, just, know.

Feeling the sort of pain I’ve been made to feel almost killed me twice already.

I Vowed I’d Never Do That Again

Not to my kids.

Not to my family.

Not to myself.

It does feel scary sometimes. Maybe I mean lonely. But I was really crap at marriage for what parts I remember and for the long dark gaps of time where I don’t, I can imagine I must of been unbearable.

Imagine living with someone you chose to be a life partner with and they are on the lounge, sometimes for days at a time and can’t even get up to do life. It would break you. In my case it did.

Unless something drastic happens in years to come I’m just not going to ‘settle down’ ever again. I don’t really believe anyone can seriously say that they want to find one person to spend every day with until they are dead. I can’t.

It’s what I would call an extremely cautious life. A life for those who are scared to be alone. Scared of the silence that asks questions of us we don’t want to be asked.

For me, since I didn’t honour my marriage, I guess I’m going to honour the separation. I realise that despite what some may like to think, there is no such thing as ‘the one’. And if that’s the case, I think that it guarantees that any marriage or relationship eventually gets stale just by default.

We drift apart and new people drift in. Just because of life itself. Or just because.

So I guess I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not afraid of being alone from now on.

But someone else isn’t what scares me.

I scare me. How bad I realise I was at it scares me.

And that being crap at it wasn’t intentional. That someone can be a good man but such a bad husband.Edit That really scares me.

I also won’t be with someone just because I want something from them, including the comfort of not being alone.

So, here’s the task I’ve given myself: Get comfortable alone. Get comfortable taking care of myself. Take care of my kids and be the best dad that I can be.

That means taking car of myself first. Just like the emergency air-masks on an aeroplane…fix yourself so that you can keep those next to you safe. The other way around doesn’t work, no matter how wrong it feels.

Get self-sufficient in all of the areas I spent my life relying on others.

Because my biggest relationship failing was that. Relying on others to take care of life things for me while I had a good time. Or sometimes in the suffocating arms of dark depression.

Either way, I got used to not taking care of the little things for long periods of time.And these things matter.  Anything that had anything to do with a calendar especially.

And that’s not okay. Life is hard enough. We can’t expect others to carry our crap, no matter how much I would always make up for it in other ways or when the black dog wasn’t sitting on my back.

And that’s where I am today. Right now.

That’s where many single people are. They’re not unlovable or unsexable rejects. They’re not all a bunch of emotional charity cases.

They’re just walking the path for the first time without a guide and learning to find their own way.

I’m one of the lucky broken. I quite like being on my own. I’m happy being with my kids or being alone. I get told that I must get adult friends again but that is bullshit. Adults let you down. Adults judge and adults carry an adult amount of years of baggage and I certain fixed way of thinking.

Maybe all of that changes tomorrow. Or maybe in ten years. Or maybe never. If I was a gambling man, I would take never though.
And I am – so never it is.

In the meantime, between now and never, I must arrive at a place where I have complete and total faith in myself, and where I show a strong capacity for self-care and self-sustainability and self love.

Above all, I somehow have to learn self-forgiveness.

THEN. Maybe then I could think about someone else…

But someone who loves me and doesn’t want to change me. Someone who looks for my strengths and not my weaknesses. Someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt. And someone who doesn’t want more than what we have at any given time.

Someone who sees me. All of me. All the shades, the light and the dark.

But we can be whole all on our own. That is what is important. 

Because we have to be.

Only then do you really have something to share.

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