The Darkness Without Me

 I went home and slept for days. Then I found the energy to drive up the coast and slept for at least another four days or perhaps more. 

  When I finally woke up and got up, I knew it was over. I had faced the darkness head on and embraced it. 

And just like that I knew the worst of it was gone. 

    Although it felt like I was watching a movie rather than recalling a memory, the last thing I really remember was questioning God and calling him out for abandoning me. 

   I am a good man with a good heart and I give a crap about things.  I suppose I did some shitty things in the end out of desparation but that wasn’t really me: 

…and my expectation was for ‘HIM’ to know that and give me a God Damned break.

       That freezing water startled me as it crashed into my legs and up my torso. You can’t say God doesn’t have a sense of humour. 
   It would take a long time to really get better on a consistent basis. My reality hadn’t changed but the heaviness was gone. 

   The air felt thinner rather than being a constant wind in my face and life didn’t seem so uphill. Those that said or swore they loved me disappeared except for my immediate family. 

   My wife didn’t hold on. She was gone. Maybe she was already gone a long time ago . But I knew inside that it would never be that bad again.

Special Note: With depression affecting millions of Australian adults, it makes sense that psychiatric research has focused so intently on the disorder.

   Pinpointing its triggers and best treatments have remained important concerns, with the general consensus being that it is a change in brain chemistry, and that various other factors contribute to its onset, including genetics, changes in hormone levels, certain medical conditions, stress, and grief or difficult life circumstances.

   Though research can pigeonhole you into a category, more or less, to help better understand why you have depression and how it can be treated, depression is a unique experience for every individual, which is why recent findings that reveal observing your own brain activity may be the key to treating depression seems so intriguing.

recent study has found that a new, non-invasive technique is capable of stimulating a part of the brain known for its connection to depression, potentially providing major benefits for people with the disorder.

The technique in question — called fMRI neurofeedback — involves having participants observe the activity of their own amygdala, trying to consciously increase that activity by recalling positive memories. It has had remarkable and consistent success with all kinds of people and situations. 

   The answers really are within us. For everything. Science is amazing… and I will never question God again.

* Steve was a Commando in the Australian Army for 20 years. He was hardened, tough & had a new TV career about to tale off nationally…

   It turns out appearances can be very deceptive. And this point is hammered home even more when he reveals, despite seemingly having it all, details about his ongoing battle with depression.

“Even to this day I’m dealing with my own issues,” says the 40-year-old. “Life is tough — we all have our own demons and I’m no different to any other human being. 

   Pain and suffering and fear is real, but it’s not unique. You might think that someone has the perfect life, but do they? I deal with the same struggles as anybody else.”

In fact, Steve has seen the devastating impact depression has had first hand. He estimates that 10 colleagues from his army unit have taken their own lives since leaving the armed forces.

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The Resurrected Trader

I was the youngest 'local' trader in history on the Sydney Futures Exchange. There wasn't any other place I should be. I went from nearly nothing to having everything I ever wanted materially. The house on the harbour, the Porsche & Harley, an abundance of cash, drugs and everything else I could waste money on. My risk taking was out of control and if anyone knew the truth, they would think of me as insane. Certifiable. Then one day it was gone and life as I had come to know it was over. I'd lost everything I had and more. These are my thoughts in the aftermath. In my battle to stay afloat and ultimately, my fight for survival.

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